Marriage counseling: is it possible to rebuild trust?
Losing trust is pretty much like losing a relationship itself. It means losing safe relationships and entering into toxic or abusive relationships. It never feels good, it always hurts.
When we stay with a partner who we don't trust we have to consciously or subconsciously protect a significant part of our life, emotions, and plans. We have to separate a part of ourselves to survive alone.
Sometimes the reason why trust is lost is obvious. Usually, it is a betrayal of physical, sexual, or financial security. Substance use, physical fights, cheating or sexual assault, gambling, or significant financial spending just to name a few.
Betrayal of emotional trust sometimes is not so obvious. Nobody likes to be yelled at, so open anger is usually breaking the trust sooner than later. Emotional withdrawal is another side of this coin and it is harder to notice. I have seen couples who reported years of emotional disconnections on some level. They were able to function on the conventional level, for example taking care of kids' schedules and household necessities. At the same time, each of them felt lonely and checked out on the deeper and more essential level of their life.
“We live like neighbors”... very often this means that partners don't trust that they can have a deep conversation regarding serious topics with each other without escalation, defensiveness, or shame.
How to rebuild trust? Is it even possible?
Yes! Of course, it is possible, but like any project, it is a process that needs a good plan, coordination of effort, consistency, and some time. That’s why marriage counseling still exists - it is much faster and easier to have a good “construction manager” to help you navigate all these pieces. Here are the most important components that I usually offer my clients to work.
Both partners should at least assume that it is possible
It is fairly common that one person has more faith, enthusiasm, and motivation than another. Usually, this is the person who created the most obvious and visible trust violation like cheating or drinking. Another person is usually in acute pain and this pain cancels any hope or optimism. What I hear usually, is “I would like to trust you again, but right now I just can’t”.
In couple counseling, we help the body of this partner to relax, and with all respect to the experience of hurt just assume that the repair is possible and their partner’s intentions are sincere.
Accepting responsibilities and commitment to changes
After we all assume that the intentions are genuine and our system agrees to accept the risk of hope, we need to show that we are serious. This step is not just about apologies. Unfortunately, it is not enough when something serious happens or especially happens for a long period of time. “I did not …/drink / see that person / watch porn/ etc/ for 2 months already and I apologized several times, why can't you just believe me and move on?!”
Accepting responsibilities means that you fully understand what actions created significant damage or pain to your partner, why they created the damage, why you did it, and what you are willing to change in yourself to not do it again. Otherwise, our defensive mechanisms will be constantly on guard expecting the “bad thing” to happen again. Any changes in behavior, thinking, and lifestyle need significant effort and as adults, we know how hard it is to really change something. So commitment needs to be based on deep understanding (reasonable part) and intense inner motivation (emotional part).
Communication skills
Building or rebuilding trust requires advanced communication skills. You need to be able to discuss what you are doing, why you are doing this, your feelings, needs, and values, and how your actions affect your relationship climate. It would be best if you also discussed it in a way that does not trigger your partner’s defensiveness without walking on eggshells. You also need to listen to your partner with compassion and curiosity, without creating your own agenda while listening. Can you see all these moving pieces? It is actually a lot to handle, especially in the beginning, when pain is too close and too strong.
Couple counseling can help you to unblend from pain and listen to your partner’s deep feelings without jumping into defensiveness + express your needs and values with openness and respect.
Practice mindful attention to each other
We all need to be seen and heard in relationships. When trust is lost, this is usually not the case for a long time. So when we are building it back our system is constantly on guard - our body, emotions, and mind learning to trust that another person is really paying attention.
What is going on with you? How are you feeling? What is in your voice and facial expression at any given moment? What does it mean for you? What do you really want? What is important for you right now? Try to ask two or three of these questions to your partner every day and really pay attention to the answer. If the answer is “I don’t know” just try to repeat that not as a formal question but with genuine curiosity. Sometimes the answer could be not what you want to hear and it triggers something in you. In this case, instead of connection, the fight can happen again, so in marriage counseling, we are learning to handle these reactions and pay attention to each other.
Heal old wounds
It sounds obvious, but it is the area where there can be some confusion. Each partner needs to take care of their own wound, and this is how we contribute to any trust in relationship repair. So people often ask - should I go to the individual therapy for this or proceed with the couple counseling? My suggestion - keep it in one place. Some couple therapists do not encourage individual sessions, but many of us do it. I believe it is important to heal some of our wounds in front of our partner and it is totally ok if we need a little bit of practice and warming up to do it. I usually encourage at least a couple of individual sessions during the first stage of marriage counseling to get to the root cause of Your unique story.
Practice strengths-based affection and admiration
Ok in addition to the previously mentioned “I pay attention to you” it's important to get the message - “I really like you”. This gives us that much-needed emotional reassurance and the ability to relax and feel confident in our own skin in front of our partner. This can look like a simple compliment to the appearance or as feedback to the simple actions. It also can become more meaningful and sophisticated to pay attention to our partner’s strengths and values. So on the first level you can say “I like to see your gardening” on another level this can be “I really admire how much patience, thoughtfulness and perseverance you show while gardening. This is a beautiful thing to watch”. You can’t really say this second comment without slowing down, paying attention, and feeling this appreciation in your heart. And your partner knows this too.
Implement small steps daily and plan bigger projects together
Trust builds in actions. First, it should be a lot of small actions so our psyche is ready to trust in bigger projects. When you practice micro-moments of trust every day, and most of them go well, our body and preverbal defense mechanisms really believe that this is a safe and consistent environment. So all that communication skills, ability to ask and be heard, know that somebody paying attention and like you on a daily basis are sending signals - this is safe, I can relax, be myself and … trust this person.
Rebuilding trust is possible. It is hard work with a lot of nuances, but if we are patient, consistent, and kind to our partner and ourselves, we definitely can do it. Marriage or couple counseling in Denver can make this process faster and safer for both of you, so when you are ready, just give me a call to discuss Your situation.