Marriage counseling for one partner: what to keep in mind
First of all, it is better if you start it alone than do not start it at all!
It is good to keep in mind and work toward including your partner in the counseling too.
When you take care of your reactivity and find your own sources of joy and meaning, your partner can see you in a different way and start to believe that counseling is actually helpful.
During the therapy, we usually grow and become more confident, authentic, and kind to ourselves. When you become such a person you normally want to live in a better emotional climate and have a better relationship.
Let's discuss the most common reasons to start relationship counseling alone.
If your partner is going through a hard time
If your partner is going through a hard time you can experience caregiver burnout. Depression, serious illness, extended and demanding job projects, extended family problems, and other issues, when you decided and wanted to help, but just hit your limits.
You can become impatient and angry and have a lot of shame and guilt about your reactions. This is a moment when it could be a good idea to start alone and include your partner later to create a new routine and reevaluate your boundaries with love and respect.
If you are experiencing domestic violence - physical or psychological
Domestic violence does not always come with physical bruises, it often comes with harsh words, an angry tone, and a frozen heart. Usually, it feels impossible to leave and impossible to stay. This is serious and it’s definitely time to ask for help. It is also totally ok to not rush the process and build your safety net and confidence first. Otherwise, the chance that this never changes or you end up in the same relationship is very high. If your partner is super controlling it is ok to say that you need help with your anxiety or depression which you most likely have anyway. Also, it is important to remember, that counseling is confidential, but if you tell your therapist about real danger, mental health professionals have to report it to the authorities to save lives.
Sometimes it is possible to change a situation though, if you both accept responsibility and are willing to change, we can proceed to couple counseling and build a new relationship with the same person.
If you are the author of violence
Sometimes you realize that you are “the angry one” and you hate it. More often this situation happens in a “sandwich of violence” when you are under a lot of stress or pressure in one place and you bring it as your own anger, bitterness, or reactivity in your relationship. This could be job stress that you bring in a family or you are always on eggshells with your spouse and you end up constantly yelling at your kids. Of course, this is your responsibility to stay at least civil and respectful and it is a great idea to go to therapy for this. At some point, it usually means to repair, adjust and create changes in relationships too. You both need to learn how to handle hard emotions differently with each other and with your children.
If you had an affair
If you finish the affair or are thinking of doing it and are not sure if you need to discuss it with your partner, it is a really good idea to discuss it with a relationship counselor first. I have seen both scenarios ``open up and repair” and “do not disclose, finish and repair” went well and the relationship with the spouse improved. To disclose or not disclose really depends on your situation and facts; what is crucial is to take care of the root causes in you and your marriage.
If you are contemplating divorce
If you are thinking of separation, but are not sure yet, it is a good idea to work on your feelings first. Divorce never happens suddenly. It usually takes several months or years for this idea to ripen. It means you have a long-lasting dissatisfaction in your relationship and a lot of sadness, resentment, and other hard feelings. Even if you want it to be amicable and especially if you need good co-parenting after the separation, you need to manage your feelings well enough to not escalate the situation. In my practice, we eventually can proceed with family counseling to manage the separation with less damage to all participants.
Conclusion
Marriage counseling for one could be a great solution that helps you to manage your relationship. It is totally ok to start by yourself and proceed together when you both are ready and feel safe and strong enough to discuss sensitive topics with respect and compassion.