Wounded child inside a strong adult - how couples counseling can help
Everybody who survived childhood has a story to tell. I remember I read this in a book about writing. And as a human and a psychologist I totally agree. We all have stories. Even if it feels like everything was ok from the outside it could be not so much inside.
When I reconnected with the long-lost classmate from elementary school she asked me how my father is doing. She reminded me that he was a really fun person to be around when we were in the third grade. My mom was in a psychology grad school and he was interested in psychology, and because everything was less strict at that time, our school administration let them practice some fun games for memory, coordination, and problem-solving in my class. Of course, it was fun, and much more interesting than regular after-school hours.
My classmate did not know that outside of that cool public appearance my parents were fighting a lot and it was almost unbearable for me at that time. It took me more than twenty years to really heal my child's fear of intense emotions in conversation, especially if they were expressed by men. And it was a real problem in my relationships until I did. I became scared and withdrawn immediately with the slightest presence of disagreement and frustration in my partner’s tone of voice because my inner child knew what to expect next. All my inside got frozen and I can’t say or explain pretty much anything, even if knew about the subject.
It took me years of therapy, intense inner work, and a couple of life transitions to not be scared of loudly talking men and their feelings anymore.
Let’s discuss what are the most common issues, that can create that “Wounded Child” or intense emotional and physical reactions in our relationships.
Attachment style
You probably already heard about secure and insecure attachment. In general secure attachment looks like this:
We can express our needs without fear and hesitation and have a reasonably strong hope that they will be met with respect. The child cries, and the parent comes and comforts him/her. When we are upset we can reach out to our partner and be certain that they will support us (and don't shame, blame or ignore us).
What if a parent is tired or in trouble and instead of comforting yells at the kid to shut up? Even generally good parents can do it sometimes (as a parent myself I know, uhh). Or what if a parent's behavior is so unpredictable that you as a child really don’t know what to expect? Or they are so busy with their adult stuff that you don’t have a chance to connect and you start to believe that they really don’t care and you better not expect anything from them because they don't love you.
That’s just a few common examples that can create a Wounded child or (more scientifically) insecure attachment style.
We all most likely experience all of these scenarios, and even the same people can give us different experiences at different stages of our life.
The good news is that we can build our own secure attachment experience when we become adults.
Childhood trauma
This is obvious at the first glance. For example, imagine a 7 y.o. girl, whose alcoholic mother just got another baby and not taking care of them. She had to learn how to survive, go to school, and feed and clean her brother and herself for a good couple of years until her mother got help. Other examples are - physical and sexual assault, loss of close family members, bullying from peers, and domestic violence that the child had to observe.
A not-so-obvious traumatic experience can happen when parents are working long hours and physically unavailable and there are no emotionally available adults around; parents are going through a hard time like depression episodes, PTSD, or other struggles and suddenly become unavailable or unpredictable. Divorce can be a blessing, if it stops the violence, but can be really traumatic in other cases.
As a child, we don’t know know what to think, what to do and how to make sense of any of these scenarios. It is scary and confusing and depending on our nervous system we learn how to fight or withdraw if the pain is just too much. Because our emotions were our main instrument at this time these actions became powerful subconscious defense mechanisms.
Relational trauma
Very often when we have strong enough experience of insecure attachment from childhood we practice that in our relationships as young adults. Because we don't have and that's an example of how to build good relationships and as humans we really need connections, we usually have experienced toxic or abusive relationships in the past. A "wounded child" can be created not really in childhood too. So if you or your partner has a history of bad relationships before you most likely have to do some intentional work to not bring this experience into the present relationship.
Even your own relationship can have a history of betrail, loneliness, and disconnection. That experience reinforced or added to your subconscious defense mechanisms and part of you is constantly on guard.
How and when a Wounded child shows up in the relationship
You can see its presence through intense unpleasant physical and emotional reactions when something not going well. It is ok to get upset when something is off, but if your “upset” rapidly grows into anger, loneliness, or despair it is most likely The Wounded child’s reaction.
The intensity of the reaction feels totally justifiable at the moment, but when you calm down you usually feel shame and guilt because of it.
You are in general a reasonable, smart, and responsible person and manage your other relationships just fine, but feel out of control with people who are closest to you.
You find yourself on a love-hate rollercoaster in your relationship.
You sincerely hate conflicts and try to avoid them at all costs.
You are hesitant and uncomfortable talking about some topics because you can’t handle your partner’s reaction.
This Wounded child's reactions usually show up when something is going not as expected. Sometimes the expectation is clear - (you ask to bring milk and potato but got broccoli and apples) and sometimes we hardly can explain why something triggers us so much. This is the area to consider help from marriage counseling for. When we become clear about what is important for us not just on the conscious level, but about our hidden needs too, real changes can be possible.
What to do when your Wounded child is activated?
Notice it.
Usually what you can notice first is a fast and strong reaction in your body, which literally screams “No!!!” from inside.
Accept responsibility for your reactions.
If we want to change anything We need to start by accepting that it is here. It does not matter what our partners do, our reactions are still ours. We can change it, even if it feels impossible sometimes.
My own reaction to the loud men is totally different now than 20 years ago. Now I can see that that could be dozens of different reasons for this voice and it can change fast if I show a strong core with respect and validation. In most cases, it works.
Our responsibility does not give a green light to bad behavior, it actually makes us responsible to stop this behavior in our life.
Tell your partner when you get activated.
Remember, people can’t read our minds. If our reaction is closer to “fight” they usually can notice, but if we are freezing inside, or suddenly feel sad or lonely, it could be not so obvious.
Pause it. It is always ok to pause any conversation for several minutes and take care of feelings before we become fluid in addressing them right away. Slowing down does not mean avoiding, disconnecting, and dismissing the issue, it means proceeding with caution.
Improve your communication skills.
This includes the ability to talk about differences without getting into the war yourself and not provoking a defensive reaction from your partner.
How couples therapy makes healing faster
The problem for adults and especially for smart, successful, and self-sufficient adults is that they try to find a reasonable solution. It works very well in other areas. Your beautiful and strong mind helped you to build a lot of good things and solve a lot of problems. The problem is that the wounded child’s reaction is not rational. It is really hard to accept your own reactivity without guilt, with responsibility and compassion, and help your partner to manage their reactivity at the same time. It is just a lot of moving pieces to manage. That’s why couple counseling exists. Your marriage and your relationship are bigger than your reactions and they deserve to taking care of. The presence and navigation of an expert who understands you, help you with compassion and expertise and holds you both accountable for being your true Self really can speed up the process.